in retrospect...
time passes by fast. day becomes night so quick even when am just sitting here staring at my computer screen. i feel like i have so much to do but done nothing much really. so i decided to look back and check my past year out... hmmm... i've had trying times with a couple of people. one made me realize i deserve better in this life while hurting me in the process. one made me think twice about that later on. life is just funny you know. you realize something now and one day in the future you find yourself in doubt. you read a book today and realize something then you read the same book after 10 years and you will have a totally different perspective about it. it's like learning different things from the same experience at a different time.
so looking back, i have been through this before... but does that mean i have a different perspective now? different lesson from the same situation at a different time? that's just weird. i am asking myself why i am still in this situation when i claimed years ago that i have learned my lesson and never will i force myself into someone's life when he doesn't want me in it. so i got to thinking, is it the challenge? is it hoping this time is different? or is it that familiar pain that makes things around me so dramatic? drama... drama... drama... a girl cannot live without any drama. even the coldest heart bleeds in the night when the lights are out and everyone's just, well, not around. so what pushes me?
the pain makes me human. coz otherwise i am just a shell waiting to be cracked open and find out there is nothing in there. pain nourishes me. makes me look forward to something better. i believe that when everything's great, there can't be anything else to look forward to, is there? more greatness? that's stupid. each and everyone of us strives to be happy and detest pain when the only way to get there is to go through a lot of it. feel it... bask in it... i am happiest after i have overcome the most hurtful. and as long as it doesn't kill me, it will always make me stronger.
in retrospect... how strong have i become? not strong enough, apparently. am still at it.
so looking back, i have been through this before... but does that mean i have a different perspective now? different lesson from the same situation at a different time? that's just weird. i am asking myself why i am still in this situation when i claimed years ago that i have learned my lesson and never will i force myself into someone's life when he doesn't want me in it. so i got to thinking, is it the challenge? is it hoping this time is different? or is it that familiar pain that makes things around me so dramatic? drama... drama... drama... a girl cannot live without any drama. even the coldest heart bleeds in the night when the lights are out and everyone's just, well, not around. so what pushes me?
the pain makes me human. coz otherwise i am just a shell waiting to be cracked open and find out there is nothing in there. pain nourishes me. makes me look forward to something better. i believe that when everything's great, there can't be anything else to look forward to, is there? more greatness? that's stupid. each and everyone of us strives to be happy and detest pain when the only way to get there is to go through a lot of it. feel it... bask in it... i am happiest after i have overcome the most hurtful. and as long as it doesn't kill me, it will always make me stronger.
in retrospect... how strong have i become? not strong enough, apparently. am still at it.
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